My senses were assaulted at Wal-Mart last night. I strolled in, minding my own business, looking for our favorite frozen desert, when the smell of flowers and candy and a huge splash of red and pink displays hit my eyeballs like a baseball bat, “Oh, yeah! Valentines!”
Call me distracted, but don’t call me unconcerned about matters of the heart. I’ve been happily married for thirty-two years and doing marriage counseling for almost that long. Those displays reminded me that flowers and candy, important as they may be, are only the icing on the cake of a robust romance.
Here then, for the men, are the top seven things you need to succeed in love. Ladies, I’ll get to you next week.
1. An All-Out Commitment to Christ – (See Rom. 12:1-2 & John 15:1-4). All of us bring the baggage of our sinful nature into every relationship. When the flames of passion finally dissipate, as they always do, the baggage remains. Our lovers often want to “throw the baggage out,” so to speak, but that creates conflict. Abiding in Christ, making our lives a constant sacrifice to God and conforming our minds to his frees him to take out the trash and replace it with real love.
2. The Heart of a Servant-Leader – Men who succeed in love take responsibility for leading themselves. They also take responsibility for leading and nurturing their lovers. Nothing turns a woman off faster than a man who insists on being a boy. Grow up and lead guys, your women will love you for it.
3. Commit to Communicate – Men who succeed in love don’t hide behind the strong-silent illusion of manhood. They take responsibility for their emotions. Learn to say what you need and ask for what you want. Make sure you know what your love language is and how to speak hers.
4. Conflict Resolution Skills – No one grows up knowing how to resolve conflicts in romance. We leave them to fester at our peril. Men who succeed in love learn how to have a good fight, and then have one. They learn how to say they’re sorry, and mean it. They even learn to say that they were wrong, sometimes ;-). After that, they go have ice cream, or something better, with their lovers. You’ll be amazed at how this strengthens love.
5. Commit to Commitment – Hollywood will tell you otherwise, but all loves ebb and flow, wax and wane. Remember this: it’s the promise that keeps the love, not the love that keeps the promise.
6. Practice the Art of Forgiveness – The Apostle Paul told the Corinthians that “love keeps no record of wrongs.” Romantic relationships are fragile like flowers. They cannot bear the chill of resentment. They wither under a grudge. Men who succeed at love know that forgiveness lets the sun in and keeps the life-giving water flowing.
7. Work at it Like a Gardner – Loving a woman is like keeping a garden, not like fixing a car. A car needs a timing belt once every 100,000 miles. Men who succeed in love realize romance needs attention the way a garden needs a gardener. Every day he’s there, feeding it with the sunshine of his affection, pulling the weeds of conflict, watering it with encouragement, and fertilizing it with affirmation. And every now and then, maybe when Wal-Mart reminds him, he feeds it the Miracle Grow of flowers and chocolate. A man like that will enjoy a fruitful garden of love. The guys who don’t get weeds.
Succeeding at love is not brain surgery men, but it does take humility, commitment and work. Trust God, practice these habits and you will succeed.